Affirmative Responses: Clarifying the Instances When One Consents Despite Desiring to Refuse
In a world where compassion is often equated with being a pushover, two influential figures, Roxane Gay and Dr. Brené Brown, are challenging this notion.
Roxane Gay, the acclaimed author of 'Bad Feminist', recently shared her thoughts during a speaking engagement. When faced with a question that left her unsatisfied, she boldly stated, "it is not my job to satisfy you." This declaration echoed the sentiments of Dr. Brown, a research professor in social work who has spent two decades studying shame, empathy, and vulnerability.
Dr. Brown found that the most compassionate people she interviewed were also the most boundaried. She believes that setting boundaries is not a sign of weakness, but a self-compassionate act that upholds one's values and allows for self-care.
Gay, too, emphasized this point, stating that poor boundaries can lead to overextending oneself, allowing people to say and do things that hurt, and causing resentment and unstable relationships. Resentment, if left unchecked, can lead to isolation from friends due to the need to hide from unrealistic expectations.
When asked for something, taking a step back, pausing, and considering before committing is a good practice. If immediate commitment is needed, saying "No, I need more time to think about it before I can make a commitment" is a valid response.
Both Gay and Brown agree that love and respect begin with self-love and self-respect. By setting boundaries, we are not being selfish, but rather, we are making a commitment to ourselves and our well-being. Being compassionate does not mean being a doormat for others; Brown prefers to be loving, generous, and straightforward with boundaries.
In a world where we are often expected to please others, the statements of Gay and Brown serve as a reminder that we have the power to set our own boundaries and prioritise our own well-being. It is not our job to satisfy others, but to be true to ourselves.
